Scam Story

Web news rewrite exercise

What follows is a poorly written hard news story. I would like you to rewrite it for the Web. That means a short presentation that contains only the facts in a straightforward manner. When your rewrite is complete, identify the subject, verb and object in every sentence (there may be multiple in one sentence, if done correctly).
Thomas Kalew of Liberty Lake, WA., did not think twice about paying nearly $2,000 to bail out his granddaughter. He wished that he had.
Approximately $1,800 of the money that Mensah paid was for bail. The rest was processing and fees. So, all told, it amounted to $1,961 that Kalew paid to someone. He won’t get that money back. But it was late at night and he says he did not know any better. It is really frustrating to lose your money like that, he said.
Kalew received a call late Saturday evening from an officer named Lambert informing him that his granddaughter was in trouble with Whitman County Sheriff’s. We learned this from a news release that was obtained from the Whitman County Sheriff’s Office.
 They informed him that his granddaughter was in custody, arrested because she was found to be holding a hefty amount of illegal drugs in New York City. He told us this.
Kalew said this: “The ‘officer’ told me that this was a special case because drug laws in New York are in flux. He said I should wire the money via Western Union and they would release my granddaughter.”
So Kalew paid $1,961 to someone named Vivian Mensah. That was supposed to get his granddaughter out of jail.
Kalew later found out that his granddaughter wasn’t in custody in New York. She was never arrested. There was no drug charge.

 Sheriff’s don’t want anyone else to get ripped off, so they are telling people that officers cannot request bail. If you think you are getting ripped off or you get a call like the one above, then call 509-456-2233. And tell them what names people used.


rewrite: 

The Whitman County Sheriff’s Department is warning the area residents about a potential scam that happened to a Liberty Lake, WA grandfather.

Thomas Kalew received a called late Saturday evening informing him that his granddaughter was in trouble. She had been arrested for holding a hefty amount of illegal drugs in New York City.

 “The ‘officer’ told me that this was a special case because drug laws in New York are in flux. He said I should wire the money via Western Union and they would release my granddaughter.” said Kalew.

Kalew paid $1,961 to supposedly get his granddaughter out of jail.  

Kalew’s granddaughter was arrested or in custody.

The Sheriff’s Department is requesting that anyone who receives calls about bail should call (509) 456-2233.